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[personal profile] tahanrien
Things are really busy here and I'm not sure when they are going to get better. I haven't been so busy since school, I believe, and wow, that was quite some time ago. But I'm really excited for NaNo and if you want some thoughts on that and stuff, click on the cut. If not, be assured that after friday at least I will have time for a few of these online obligations again. Like NaNo. Whee! :)

My plan for NaNo so far is a project that I can write and finish in about 200k, and because that's definitely too long for a publishable book, well, it would be for posting online. And then I had this idea of writing it in English, because I got faster writing in English and a 200k story in English would be cool. I could post it somewhere! People would maybe read it! More people than for all of my German stories! People would review! English original slash fandom is so shiny and big and everything.

And then, today, everything came crashing down:

First I got a very nice review for my stories, which was short but felt very honest, from someone who apparently doesn't even like reviewing but loved my stories; then I read a tumblr post + discussion about how you (more or less) can only fail as ESL anyway; and then I read a tumblr post about how one reader being/becoming your peer is so much better than one hundred readers just saying "I like it."; and I thought, hey, wait a moment.

So here I am again. And I hate this, to make this decision every time with a story and then I'll only get angry and frustrated and I don't even know. I just want to say "fuck it, I'll never write in English again" (except for Yuletide, of course, because Yuletide is love and magic and a billion flying hamsters[*]) because at least it's a final decision. But you know how you got all these unrealistic hopes and dreams stuck to some option? About how writing in English would be different from writing in German, be it easier or more fun or go with more readers and comments and views and people to talk to about your writing? How you would choose more popular themes and write better sex scenes? Maybe even give your characters a HEA just once? And you know how it's unrealistic and everything, and yet, and yet, it could be, but if you are honest you know it won't. Ever.[**]

But even if you know that your ideas are false, it's still so hard to just let go and be done. Decisions are always hard and it's always about closing this door behind you and you can never go back, never ever[**]. But it would open up new doors, ways, possibilities, wouldn't it? But it's already so hard to differentiate between something you should let go and something you should hold onto, at least for a while longer, in real life, and now you have to do the same thing in writing, and that sucks. But decision-non-making is so exhausting and so draining, so...

I just accidentally convinced myself?

[*] Another plot bunny born.
[**] Never ever ever. I love this song so much, but only the highly pitched version on my mp3-player which I use for running since it's also faster. I heard the non-pitched version in the supermarket the other day and I had to stop next to the Müsli because I was so surprised by how different it sounds from the one I listen to. It really is like a different song.
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October 2015

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