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[personal profile] tahanrien
Things are really busy here and I'm not sure when they are going to get better. I haven't been so busy since school, I believe, and wow, that was quite some time ago. But I'm really excited for NaNo and if you want some thoughts on that and stuff, click on the cut. If not, be assured that after friday at least I will have time for a few of these online obligations again. Like NaNo. Whee! :)

My plan for NaNo so far is a project that I can write and finish in about 200k, and because that's definitely too long for a publishable book, well, it would be for posting online. And then I had this idea of writing it in English, because I got faster writing in English and a 200k story in English would be cool. I could post it somewhere! People would maybe read it! More people than for all of my German stories! People would review! English original slash fandom is so shiny and big and everything.

And then, today, everything came crashing down:

First I got a very nice review for my stories, which was short but felt very honest, from someone who apparently doesn't even like reviewing but loved my stories; then I read a tumblr post + discussion about how you (more or less) can only fail as ESL anyway; and then I read a tumblr post about how one reader being/becoming your peer is so much better than one hundred readers just saying "I like it."; and I thought, hey, wait a moment.

So here I am again. And I hate this, to make this decision every time with a story and then I'll only get angry and frustrated and I don't even know. I just want to say "fuck it, I'll never write in English again" (except for Yuletide, of course, because Yuletide is love and magic and a billion flying hamsters[*]) because at least it's a final decision. But you know how you got all these unrealistic hopes and dreams stuck to some option? About how writing in English would be different from writing in German, be it easier or more fun or go with more readers and comments and views and people to talk to about your writing? How you would choose more popular themes and write better sex scenes? Maybe even give your characters a HEA just once? And you know how it's unrealistic and everything, and yet, and yet, it could be, but if you are honest you know it won't. Ever.[**]

But even if you know that your ideas are false, it's still so hard to just let go and be done. Decisions are always hard and it's always about closing this door behind you and you can never go back, never ever[**]. But it would open up new doors, ways, possibilities, wouldn't it? But it's already so hard to differentiate between something you should let go and something you should hold onto, at least for a while longer, in real life, and now you have to do the same thing in writing, and that sucks. But decision-non-making is so exhausting and so draining, so...

I just accidentally convinced myself?

[*] Another plot bunny born.
[**] Never ever ever. I love this song so much, but only the highly pitched version on my mp3-player which I use for running since it's also faster. I heard the non-pitched version in the supermarket the other day and I had to stop next to the Müsli because I was so surprised by how different it sounds from the one I listen to. It really is like a different song.

Date: 2012-10-03 10:08 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] ritaxis.livejournal.com
Just to counter the line about how an ESL writer will inevitably fail: Nabokov.

Date: 2012-10-04 10:28 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] tanrien.livejournal.com
That's what the (more or less) is for, I guess. ^^

Date: 2012-10-04 12:12 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] grimmsical.livejournal.com
IMO other people's opinions don't matter if you have fun writing... Though, I'm not planning to be published, so my views may be different. HOWEVER. You have writing friends who read English, but not German, so writing in English would allow us to give you input, if you wanted it from us instead of your German writing friends. So that's one thing to consider too.

Date: 2012-10-04 10:36 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] tanrien.livejournal.com
Yeah, for me the "wanting to be published one day" plays a big role in every bit of writing I do now, because this is practicing for The Big One and every word written in English is one lost along the way. I count you guys into these decisions, but I don't feel like I could show you my English writing now or later anyway, because it's nowhere near good language and/or style. Writing in English just feels like starting from Zero again and I don't want to have to do over 10 years of beginner practice again "just" to feel like I could give you a link to my writing. ://

Date: 2012-10-04 08:31 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] greenie1980.livejournal.com
Sorry for not replying to your pm yet, had a family emergency on Monday and still working through the after-effects.

I don't see how (and above all why) that first tumblr deters you from writing in English. S/He's using two examples within a special fandom to illustrate her/his point and I have to say that the 'supposed/meant' thing sounds like a US thing only to me (might be wrong though) and the 'properly' is something which even I could have pointed out since it annoys me too (as there are different ways of saying the same thing; that's what 5 years of living in the UK does to you ;o) ). For me writing in English or German boils down to one question "Do I know the source book/video/film/etc better in English or in German?". For ex. I would never ever think of writing Karl May in English (or translating my fic into English) but in the reverse sense even reading fic by others in the Tolkien fandom feels very strange in German and I definitely prefer English. For original fics I would test out what works better. For ex. sometimes an idea flows better in German, sometimes it might work better in English. Try out both and then decide. There are enough people out there willing to help with the language if you feel uncomfortable with that. But please... don't let those ramblings deter you from anything!

Date: 2012-10-04 10:59 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] tanrien.livejournal.com
No problem! Take your time and I hope the situation will get better for you soon. Feel hugged. *hugs*

*rambles at you to get your mind off things?*

The first tumblr... I would not even have noticed it? I didn't see the original post on my dash, only the discussion. But then in the discussion, it was all about Americans saying if they see stuff like that they stop reading and it would stop them from recommending a story even if they continued and... my English is never going to be that good. (I'm not a language-person.) And it's just so ridiculous to (want to) try to please these people (by trying to write well) who have these equally ridiculous standards which I'll never fulfill. "Giving up", in the positive sense, just seems to be the more appropriate response.

Oh yeah, with fanfiction I do it the same way. I'm amazed by the people writing English fic for German fandoms at yuletide for example or even just when I only know the source in German, with Friends etc. (Not that I'm writing Friends fanfic, haha, though I could I guess. Epic High Fantasy Mondler AU, with Chandler being the Jester at the court that's in danger, and Monica the Knight coming to its rescue.) I'm mostly talking about original fiction here, so stuff where online fiction and to-be-published one are in direct competition. And, like, I'm never going to be good enough to get published in English, so why even try? So writing in English would only be for putting it online, and I know even less people would read it than who read my German stuff now, and I feel like such a bad author for leaving all my readers hanging anyway, and iotiwoekhgvdjsklfj everything so complicated.

It's just this really, really complex situation with all my ideas about writing and all my plans and all the people who are in some way involved in my writing and all the information and my mind telling me to be rational about it. And it just is so much effort to have this debate inside my head every time. Normally it's, well, I just get by, but then stuff like these ramblings on tumblr pop up and I can't let that go again. ://

Date: 2012-10-05 11:26 am (UTC)
ext_69460: (hmm)
From: [identity profile] zeffy-amethyst.livejournal.com
I hate those posts. Hate them with a passion because writing is a personal thing, and no one should be passing judgement on another's enjoyment of the art. All those rules, and do and don't, and here's why-X-will-never-succeed. To be absolutely crude; fuck 'em. If you love it, if you want to do it, then don't waste time wondering 'what ifs' and reading blogs like that. Because they may have the best intentions, and want to be helpful but all they are is defeatist.

Writing is yours. You can do with it whatever the hell you want. And, to be slightly contradictory, it's good to have a goal but it's also good to enjoy what you do. If all you want is to get published, then take that easy path and write in English later. If you want to write in English then do that. And even writing in English, you'll still be developing skills that'll be useful to you when you get to The Big One. Like plot, character building, world building etc.

You can have everything you want, and there's absolutely no reason you shouldn't, just means that you'll need to work out priorities. When it comes to writing, there's no such thing as a closed door. Never is a very, very long time after all. You don't have to completely abandon the idea of writing in English, maybe say rather "I want to do this first, and this will just have to wait"

Date: 2012-10-06 11:27 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] tanrien.livejournal.com
It's just so hard to make these lists of priorities. :( I want to get published, but I also want to give stuff to the German readers already following me, and I want to have something to give to you to read, and I want to write lesbian fiction in general, and I want to write something super fun and long and easy for NaNo, but I also know my limits, how lazy I am, how I get easily distracted by more shiny goals, how a new fandom can make me stop writing for months... It's so hard to combine all of that, because you never know what the future brings. I could plan to write an English NaNovel, before that finish a few English and German stories, and afterwards write German stories for being published and English Yuletide. that would be a good mixture, but I never know if I might not fall into another black hole after NaNo and barely manage Yuletide, or I might be super busy as soon as my courses start next week... Writing is such a mood-based activity for me because I bind it to "fun" too often, so I too often don't write, which makes me angry and then I write even less and all my plans fly out of the window and I have to start with writing easy online fiction in six months AGAIN, after I managed to write nothing in those six months jidghnköaesf
*takes deep breaths*

tl;dr It's this super complicated topic and I'm so bad at making these decisions and planning it ahead, because I'm already burned by all the times I failed with that. See now, the post isn't even a week old and I'm already planning an English NaNovel. *sighs*

Date: 2012-10-06 12:19 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] sparrowlicious.livejournal.com
Oh my ... all of sudden I share your hurt over ramblings and rants of fans since I just found a thread about 'fantasy rants' on the Nano forums. These things seem to come right out of nowhere. /:

Date: 2012-10-06 01:05 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] tanrien.livejournal.com
Feel hugged. :/ It could be so easy to ignore if it wouldn't play right into the insecurities that are there anyway.

What are you writing for NaNo this year?

Date: 2012-10-06 01:24 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] sparrowlicious.livejournal.com
Thank you. <3 ... well, I didn't read much of it. o_o Some rants make me want to ask: 'Why do you guys read/write fantasy anyway if you don't like it?'

My backup plot: a sequel to last year's story. How about you?

Date: 2012-10-06 02:31 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] tanrien.livejournal.com
Yeeeah. I read through the whole thread and for me it doesn't do much because a.) I'm luckily pretty comfortable with fantasy reading and writing on the whole, so even if the complaints fit to something I do, it just bounces off, and b.) I know TONS of fantasy novels which are super innovative and stuff and manage to escape all of the points mentioned in the thread, so it's like, why are they complaining?? They should just read the stuff that is more to their tastes, it's out there and easy to find...

Ohh, that was the story with the guy named after a bird, right? Most of what I remember from your nanovel last year was that it was SUPER LONG and in english and that writing it made you happy all the time :D
Personally, I... don't have a plot yet. I'm pondering if I should write m/m or f/f, german or english, super long or just two novels with two nano profiles (I need 400k words until the end of the year, so I need to write so much ;_,)...

Date: 2012-10-06 11:18 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] tanrien.livejournal.com
Just did a new post with the idea I had for NaNo. It'd be in english... Not sure how I feel about that yet.

Date: 2012-10-07 09:32 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] sparrowlicious.livejournal.com
I skimmed the thread again and ... oh well, everyone's arguing mostly friendly about stuff they're wondering about and huh ... I have to admit, I only read about 30+ fantasy books (including Harry Potter) so my knowledge about the different versions of everything is kind of limited. Oh btw, I recently read 'The Elenium' series by David Eddings which only consists of things that are nowadays 'overused' in fantasy. I think it was really entertaining. :D (Including a 'Thieves Guild', 'Child Goddess' and other fun stuff.) ... of course I had some palm-to-face-moments as well but mostly it was quite alright.

Oh yes! Gavin and Sparrow. Despite all my problems afterwards and some stuff that makes me cringe now when I read it this really was fun to write. xD That was some fantasy adventure kind of thing.
Woah, woah. 400k? Are you doing some kind of WriYe challenge? Or even that Milwordy thing? Either way, I think that's really amazing. With your writing group meetings that shouldn't be impossible, right?

Date: 2012-10-07 07:10 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] tanrien.livejournal.com
Oh, Elenium ♥ It was literally the first or the second adult (there was no fantasy YA back in the days) fantasy book I bought for myself with age 12 or so, the other one being Lord of the Rings. I wouldn't read it again, I guess, because traditional High Fantasy isn't my genre anymore, but it will always have a place in my heart. And, actually, I found the Child Goddess thing pretty original, how she later became the Sperber's daughter and that stuff and how she liked the young thief.

Is this year's NaNovel as well going to be adventure fantasy or are you going for something different in the sequel? :)

Yeeeeeeah, 400k, but it's only 500k for the whole year, so... I already... have... 100k... after 10 months... *dead*. Would love to make 1 mil a year one day, but seeing my track record, I doubt I ever will. I mostly rely on the rest of october and then NaNo to get me most of the words, so I can write a managable amount in december...
We tried the writing group today but idk, interest was limited, and some of the times we agreed on are pretty hard to write at for either my flatmate and/or me. We'll see how the second one goes, it's in about 50 minutes from now. It's only a test run anyway.

Date: 2012-10-08 06:21 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] sparrowlicious.livejournal.com
The thing about the Child Goddess was new to me when I read the books. o_o It seems to be some kind of 'thing' though. xD Oh, and I really liked Talen <3 (the thief kid) even if it was sometimes a little ridiculous that he stole everything everywhere and anytime at all. I then discovered that the first book was first published in 1989/1990. I was born in 1988. I get that things in the publishing world were more different at that time and authors could get away wtih more.
Oh btw, do you remember that scene in which Kring asks Sparhawk to help him with his love interest in Mirtai? In the English version he asks him to be his 'oma'. That cracked me up. xD Obviously that's not a word you might want to keep in a translation. I have no clue what he says in the German translation though.

I guess some kind of adventure again. My mage guy Gavin is interested in all things history and old stuff - so he's a historican in the sequel. Just that his work isn't recognized much because his mage colleagues think that his friend Sparrow is a scoundrel. You probably shouldn't run around with scoundrels if you're a mage. xD Anyway, some ancient library appears out of nowhere and a bunch of mages go investigate (Gavin & Co. obviously won't miss that chance) and stumble over information that pretty much fills in the 'gap in history' that Gavin and probably everyone else discovered quite some time ago. Actually, everything was far more evolved in that time. That library thing actually only came to the surface again because of its built-in machinery. The awesome gap in history was caused by mages who felt threatened by awesome technologies like electricity and other awesome things. They still do. Some of them at least, especially since they pursue some political goals in their countries. Gavin & Co. pretty much try to get out of there alive because they have the much different interest of actually using that new-old technology since it could improve everything everywhere. :D
That's all I have so far. Apart from that they figure out why there's magic and mages and why Gavin can't detect Sparrow's half-fae powers as magic.

Aww. o_o Did you participate at all the OLL writing events? (I rebelled during Screnzy, lol.)
Funny enough, my Austrian Nano chatroom on Skype has people writing all year long. Things are going rather slow, though. Or actually, we switched over to our art chatroom (which doesn't make much difference since everyone from the Nano chatroom is now there) where most people are writing instead of doing some art. But it's more a leisurely thing than a real writing chatroom.
Oh btw, is your writing group about generally writing or about swapping stories around for everyone to read?
... ahh, so sorry for hogging your journal with my stuff. /:

Date: 2012-10-24 11:16 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] tanrien.livejournal.com
.................. I thought I had answered this comment. :< I know I wrote something, but... I think I'm getting old.

I love these plotlines with forgotten modern technology being discovered again. Love, love, love <3 Do you plot your whole novel through or, well, "just" the things you exlained here?

I didn't participate at any of the events. I would like to say I'm generally interested but always miss them when they are happening, but, well, I'm not even sure if I had participated even if I had known. NaNo just has a certain magic for me that things like... what exists? script Frenzy, etc. pp. don't have. (For me, obviously.)
The writing group was just for writing, but it was kind of not a success. The times were bad for me, so I was too tired to really concentrate on writing. I don't think I'm going to try a repeat. Write or Die will have to do.

Also, you are free to spam my LJ whenever you want. ;) Official permission given right here, just now.


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